A rose by any other name

I forgot my name today. I had to go and check my first blog post, and now I know it's Charmaine, but I don't remember it ever being Charmaine. I don't remember ever having a name. It's disconcerting. Maybe my humanity is slowing being stripped from me. Maybe that's what the spider eats. Identities. I should stop talking to him, maybe he'll eat my memories too.

It's weird, not having a name. I remember my whole life up until this point and everyone has referred to me as 'you' or not used any pronouns at all. It's impossible that that's happened. How would my parents have taught me my name in the first place if they never used it? Am I just going to be a brainless sack of flesh in here? Is that the ultimate goal?

The spider is hanging out on my bookshelf now. I just noticed today that he's got seven eyes. They're blue/black, so they blended in to his body and fur, but I stared at him for quite awhile this morning and figured out that the shiny bulbs along his body are eyes. The way the light is hitting him right now... it almost looks like he's looking at me. But I don't know how spiders see.

I researched spider-gods all night. Most cultures have spiders in their folklore as trickster characters, to teach kids to know the difference between right and wrong. The only reference to gods is the Egyptian Goddess Neith who rules over spinning and weaving, thus symbolized by the spider. My spider hasn't woven anything, so I don't think it's her. Also I'm so convinced that he's a he at this point it would be weird to think of him as a goddess.

I got lost in wikipedia... spiders to spider-girl to grandfather paradoxes to the chicken-and-egg theory. I guess I might as well use my imprisonment to learn things. Especially if I don't have an identity anymore. Maybe I can just create a new one. Can you do that?

I'm still me, even if I don't have a name anymore. Or maybe I do, and for some reason my subconscious is rejecting it. Maybe I can find a better name, one more fitting for my situation. Something reflecting isolation and ghost limbs and spider camaraderie. I'll get back to you.