Still here

So after a long ass panic attack and blacking out for almost 24 hours, I feel better. Sadie woke me up, she was starving, poor thing. Maybe if I distract myself I'll be okay. Toblerone and ginger ale. I guess I could talk about something else while I wait for help.

As I said, I'm Charmaine. I'm 22 years old, and I have strawberry blonde hair and light blue eyes. I'm about 5'5" and probably porkier than I should be. Maybe that's why I ended up alone with my cat on new years eve. I likely could have invited myself to one of the parties in town, it's not like I don't have friends, just no really close ones. People that I talk to at work, or at the coffee shop. I don't really have the personality to take the initiative and invite people out or anything like that.

Guys are my weakest point. I have a hard time talking to them, especially the cute ones. There are a few that I've gotten used to, but I don't think they they'd ever view me the way that I want them to. My roommates are cool, but they call me 'little sis', so I've been totally friendzoned. It sucks. I don't know if I'd really be interested in them that way anyway, but it would be nice to be pursued, you know?

There's one guy that comes into the coffee shop... that's where I work, by the way. I'm a waitress at Sally's Cafe. Anyway, there's this guy, I don't even know his name, but he has such a nice voice. I'm not sure what he does for a living, but he always looks so nice in his button up shirts and dress pants. He's got dark hair and dark eyes, super hot. Takes his coffee with just cream. Sigh.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time, reading books with my cat and waitressing, wishing that I could get married and have kids and be a happy family for the rest of my life. When I was a teenager I thought that by twenty I'd have it all figured out, I'd be an adult and I'd move on with the fun chapter of life. Don't get me wrong, adulthood is way better than high school.... don't even get me started on high school. I just felt like there would be more. And I don't feel any different then I did back then. I just have bigger boobs.

This is a pretty pathetic memoir.

Maybe that's why this is happening to me. I spend most of my time in here anyway, why not be locked in? Maybe this is god or whatever is up there telling me that I should appreciate life more, get out there. I don't know. If I get out of this, I'll ask whoever saves me on a date. Grab the bull by the horns, as they say. I wouldn't know where to start, but that would be good, right? If it's a guy, I mean. I guess I shouldn't be picky, maybe I should be more open minded. How would I even know that I couldn't date a girl? She'd probably understand me better.

No, I don't think I could. Especially because I want to have kids with whoever I marry. I guess lesbians can adopt... but I'd rather have my own. I don't think I'd be cut out to be a lesbian.

I'm not a virgin, by the way, if that's what you're thinking. Just because guys don't ask me on dates doesn't mean drunk guys don't manage to seduce me sometimes. That's the only time I get any confidence anyway. I just always make sure I end up at their place so that I can slip out once they fall asleep. I know my confidence will be gone by the morning, and I don't want to have to deal with the complicated aftermath.

I guess that should have been my New Years resolution. Work on my self esteem. I guess I've got nothing but time in here.

Sadie is back from dinner and drooling on me again. She's such a suck. I've never known any other cats to drool. As soon as she's happy and close to you, there's a wet spot. What a weirdo. She's a fat little tabby, and the best cat in the world. At least I'm not alone in here.

So, a shot at better self esteem: Hi, my name is Charmaine. And I'm hot shi